A little slice of self discovery

All of my life I have been fascinated with superheroes. I'm still a bit of a comic nerd, but when I was a kid my thoughts were always consumed by heroic adventures of superhuman paragons of justice. I always wanted to emulate some of the same personality traits of my favorite heroes. Courage, it seemed, I had in spades, especially when it came to acrobatics and athleticism. I was doing free running and Parkour moves before they had a name. I was constantly putting myself in foolish situations just to prove to myself I could get out of them. (As a side note, it is possible for a human to outrun a dog. Don't ask.) Stealth I had. Even now I can get the drop on just about anyone, sometimes without even meaning to. Martial arts have been a mainstay with me in one form or another for many years. But I was always haunted by one thing in particular; my lack of overt aggression.

This is where I most envied Wolverine. One of his most famous quotes is this; "I'm the best there is at what I do. And what I do isn't very nice." Numerous times in my childhood I found myself in situations where it would have been so gratifying just to ball up my fist and break a jaw or two. There were times when it would have made so much sense. Times when I was ridiculed for not doing so. Nothing could be done about it. I simply did not have the killer instinct that many of my animated role models seemed to possess. I counted it as a character flaw.

But recently I had a realization after a trip to the local shooting range. While I was firing, trying to hit my target, I was visualizing an enemy. I always do. It helps my focus. But this time I paid close attention to my attitude about what I was firing at. I realized that I wasn't thinking about killing my target. Oh, I wanted to be precise with my shots. Indeed my clustering was tight and quite accurate. Many rounds actually landed in roughly the same spot, if not exactly the same, tearing a hole in the paper target about the size of a newborn's fist. But I was visualizing, not the heart, but the shoulder. The elbow. The knee. More of the same character flaw?

I realize now, no. It's not. This realization helped me define myself a little more clearly. I don't have the killer instinct because, simply put, I'm not a killer. How could that possibly be a weakness? I have proven many times in my life that I have the ability to make quick decisions. But those decisions lead to an outcome where everyone goes home, and no one to the morgue. I have the ability to be lethal if it becomes necessary. I know that without question. However, that is not who I am. I follow the path of knighthood, not the path of the mercenary.

I am a Crusader for peace. A Protector of life. Got a problem with that?